Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Jesus freak

I was trying to hang a picture in my apartment and it took me way too long (about an hour) and after many curses and looking at my poor hands that were hammered a few too many times, I realized that hey, I'm Jewish, this shit is not in my genes. Jewish people are no good in carpentry work, plain and simple. Now this is an oversimplification and there are a few jews are are nifty with a hammer (freaks, I like to call 'em), but look at history. Why do you think we kicked Jesus out? Because of the son of God thing? Nah, that's no big deal, many jews claim to be the son of God. My Uncle claimed he was just last week and he wasn't crucified. No, it was because Jesus upstaged all the Jews in his village, making tables, fixing chairs, and hanging up pictures. Carpenter? What the fuck was he thinking? The arrogant bastard.

Please send all death threats to cmiller513@yahoo.com

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Twig and Berries

I have decided to breach the age old question, if you could suck your own dick, would you? I answer with a big and resounding NO! And here's why.
First, even if you could, it would create an uncomfortable postion to be in for a long time and I wouldn't want to go to work with a crick in my neck.
Second, yes you would be on the recieving end of a BJ, but you would also be giving one. One could put forth the argument that when masturbating your on the giving end of tugging one off, yeah, fine, maybe, but it's not going in your mouth. And when thinking about this issue, no one thinks of the details. What if a little unshaken urine gets in your mouth? Huh, what then? And, there's no doubt that a little semen will slip through no matter how careful you are and there will never be a time in life when I ever want to taste my own sexy juice.
Now, I'm always up for trying new things, hey, I'm a fun guy and I am always looking for new ways to provide myself with self-giving pleasure (remind me to blog later on about the Trifecta, it takes some timing and a few tries, but whoa.....I had to hold myself afterwards), but there is a line that I refuse to cross and besides, everytime I'd go to lick my balls I'd probably fall off the couch.

Monday, September 3, 2007

Split pee soup

This is my 1st time blogging so here it is, a small window into my world. So, an odd thing happens to me when I go to the bathroom at work (#1, for a footnote I have only taken a #2 in 4 bathrooms that were not in my residence, but that's a discussion for another time). When I go to urinate the stream always splits in two. I mean always without fail, and the weird thing is, it only happens at work. Now, I'm jewish, so I'm circumsized, so the the foreskin in not an issue. So, what is the cause? Small peehole? Entirely possibe, but that does not explain why it only happens at work.

When the stream splits into 2 I have to decide which stream I aim into the bowl, but the decision always is futile because no matter which stream I aim, the other is destined for the floor. Now, I otherwise wouldn't mind mopping up urine from the ground everytime I go to the bathroom, but in my bathroom at work there usually is a shortage of toilet paper, which leads to some very creative solutions to my predicamint (hint1: water is your friend, diluted urine puddle is far better than a saturated one, believe me, hint 2: pre-emptivley blame it on the employee in which english is their second language). I have to end this blog now, because oddly enough, I have to go to the bathroom. Wish me luck (I'm not at work so I should be ok).